Anxiety and me...
I thought long and hard about posting this and I had promised myself when I started this blog that it wouldn't turn into a tale of woe or a 'poor me' essay but writing is therapeutic for me, better sometimes than any medication or counselling session. And, well, the last few weeks for me have been a bit tough so thought I would get it all down on paper so to speak.
It's very hard to describe how anxiety feels to someone that hasn't been through it. I know that sometimes my husband can't really understand how my brain works, and why I just can't stop worrying about things. To be honest, even I feel like that sometimes! The constant inner argument with myself that I can't just think rationally like a 'normal' person.
So, a couple of weeks a go I was doing just fine, stupidly I thought I had 'cracked it'. Everything was under control, I was feeling good and I'd slowly come off my medication. And then one morning it all changed. I had woken up and it felt like the world was on my shoulders. The constant sick, anxious feeling had returned to my stomach and I couldn't lift the low, unmotivated mood that had now taken over. Then to add to all of this my brain then decided to go over every mistake, bad experience, conversation that I've ever had and go over and over it. The self judging and lack of confidence, constant issues of what people thought or had said about me followed by the 'what if' game, escalating each and every issue into something bigger than it ever was before.
And then if this is not the most fun you could have, you have the added joy of the nights of broken sleep. Of waking up in the early hours of the morning when everything is so quiet but your brain is going so fast that it is almost screaming. Uncontrollable worry is tiring, you need sleep but you can't because the worry keeps you awake. But you know if you sleep then that worry won't seem so bad in the morning. And so it goes on.
So my anxiety is back, and it feels like it is back with a vengeance. A punishment if you will, for thinking like I had finally cured myself. Now it's back to taking care of myself, back on my medication, meditation, mindfulness and sleep. Mental health is so important, it shouldn't be something that is hidden and not talked about. I don't like it and I don't want it but I'm not ashamed of it and nor should anyone else be.