The isolation diaries... another month down
I don't even know how long it's been now but I do know a few things:
I haven't had to put petrol in my car since the middle of March
I haven't had my hair cut since the 30 January - my fringe is no more, and don't get me started on the grey!
I haven't seen my friends or family since before my birthday on the 16 March
I haven't set foot in a shop since the day before lockdown was implemented
I actually miss the school run
I'm bored of the inside of my house
I hate online meetings!
The list could go on and I'm sure I'm not alone. But whilst I am longing for my old life I am also intrigued to find out what the 'new normal' will mean for us all. When lockdown started I had a plan in my head that I was going to use the time wisely and productively. I was going to learn, I was going to get into healthy habits - eat better, drink more water, exercise regularly - and finally, write at least 20,000 words of the story that has been going round and round in my head for months.
My achievements? Precisely none of the above. And I'm angry with myself about it. For all my list making and planning, this has only proved that I'm an inherently lazy person. Too many ideas and not enough get up and go. My get and go left. The truth is, even with all the horrendous stuff happening, we were never going to have this amount of time again to make changes, better ourselves, and as the lockdown rules start easing I am angry with myself for not making better use of it.
This last week I have spent a lot of time asking myself, what exactly have I achieved? Not just in the last few weeks, but my life in general. I'm not talking about family things. My son is and always will be the best and most important thing I have ever done - my greatest personal achievement. But if I was to be remembered for something, what would they say? Could they describe academic achievements? Nothing there worth shouting about. What about career-wise? I've worked hard, yes, but any notable highlights there? Not really? At the age of 43 I'm still not even sure what I want to be when I 'grow up'. I'm also not sure that my above average capacity for gin and tonic is particularly note worthy - even if I do find it quite impressive. I have had this nagging feeling of being unfulfilled for a while now. So, the question is, as ever, what do I want and how am I going to get there?
So, as I ponder whether this is actually just a mid-life crisis or a personal crossroads that I need to figure out, I hope you have all managed to stay sane and healthy these last weeks. I hope you have used your time better than me and have racked up a few personal achievements along the way. This has certainly been an unprecedented, scary few weeks, and regardless of the gift of time, one that I hope we not will have to repeat. And as I give myself a metaphorical kick up the arse, let's try to remain positive as we navigate the 'new normal' and start as we mean to go on.